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What Can I Do For Myself & My Children?
Domestic Violence hurts everyone - There is no excuse for abuse.
Domestic violence involves everyone, not just the person who is actually being abused. As a friend, roommate, co-worker, or fellow student, you probably know someone who is being abused by an intimate partner, whether or not that person has ever talked to you about the violence. It could be you that is experiencing domestic violence.
You can get help. You may feel alone and trapped, with no way out. But there is help. There are choices. These are suggestions that you can do NOW to better your situation and make the choice that is best for you and your children:
• Call the Women's Shelter Program at (805) 781-6400 or HOTLINE at (805) 549-8989 (San Luis Obispo County only). You can talk to someone about: what you are going through, making a plan to get away from your violent partner, shelters where women and their children can keep safe while trying to make a new life, services for men and women trying to change their lives for the better.
• Ask for an Emergency Protective Order (EPO). An EPO can be issued by the police 24 hours a day. This orders serves as immediate protection from the batterer. It provides a kick out order so that the batterer must move from the residence. Temporary custody of the children is given to the person to be protected by the order. It restrains the batterer from harassing or assaulting the victim. If the batterer violates this order, the batterer will be arrested. It is imperative that you call the police every time the EPO is violated. This order is good for 5 court days, which allows the victim to file a request for a Temporary Restraining Order.
• Call 911. If you think you are in danger, don't wait. Have a code word or signal for your neighbors. That way they will know when to call police for you. Show your children how to call 911. Make a plan with them so they will understand how and when to call.
• Get legal help. You can get a restraining order. The Women's Shelter Program offers a Restraining Order clinic which helps you file the paperwork for a Temporary Restraining Order. This order says your violent partner must stay away from you. You can also get advise about child custody.
Information on Legal Services
You have protection under the law.
You Should Know:
You are not alone. No one has the right to abuse and batter. You are a valuable person. Your partner has probably told you that you are worthless, that you couldn't make it on your own. This is not true.
• You don't deserve to be insulted, or humiliated.
• You don't deserve to be hit, pushed or threatened.
• No one has the right to keep you from your friends or family.
• No one has the right to force you to have sex when you don't want to.
• You don't deserve to live in fear.
• All this is abuse and it is done to control you.
• You are not to blame.
No matter what your partner says, the abuse is not your fault. You can't control what your partner does.
You may think "if only I kept the house cleaner, if only I kept the kids quieter, if only I was smarter, better looking, nicer then I wouldn't be abused."
You should know that nothing you do causes the abuse. And unless you or your partner get help, things will only get worse.
Everyone has the right to live free from abuse.
Safety Plans
One thing that you can do right now is make a safety plan. We understand that it is very difficult to leave a violent partner. A safety plan will help you to organize what you and your children will need for your escape. Even if you think the abuse won't happen again, plan ahead where to go and how to get there.
• Call the Women's Shelter Program at (805) 781-6400 or HOTLINE at 1-800-549-8989 for help with making your plan.
• Tell someone you trust about the violence.
• Pack a bag with: clothes for you and your children, your important papers (birth and shot records, photos, ID card, etc.), an extra set of keys to the car and house and a roll of quarters.
• Store it at a friend's or neighbor's house. Or find a place in your home to store the bag where your partner will not find it.
• Save a little money if you can. Establish checking and savings accounts in your name only.
• Don't tell your partner about your plan.
Keeping Yourself Safe While Getting the Information You Need
• Keeping yourself and your children safe while getting the information you will need to make a smooth transition to a violence free life is essential. When an abusive partner discovers that the victim is obtaining resources, learning that domestic violence is wrong, threatening to leave or planning a get away, the abuse can and most often does increase. Please use common sense and follow the basic guidances listed here.
• DO NOT save this address as a bookmark on your browser (the software that allows you to access the internet). Write the address down and hide it where you know your partner will not find it. You may want to write this address in such a way that the abusive partner will not know what it is. You can also memorize the address.
• Always exit the browser software completely and turn off the computer. Most browsers will keep a log of where you have been on the internet. Learn how the browser you use saves this information on to your computer.
• Locate the cache and cookie files on your hard drive. The information in these files are created when visiting web sites. Delete the information in these files. Most often the contents of these files are only computer jargon, but there is a possibilty that the web sites you have visited can be traced from these files. Every browser will create and store this information differently. Refer to your manual or visit your browser's homepage to more information.
• If you have concerns about this information stored on your computer and how this occurs, contact the technical support department at your internet server (i.e. Callamerica, AOL, FIX.NET, etc).
• Hide brochures and other information on shelter services. You can also store them at a friend's or family member's house if it is safe to do so.
Partially adapted from "No one deserves to be abused" booklet
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