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Are you in an abusive relationship?
Domestic violence is many different types of abuse. It involves physical, emotional, mental, economical, and sexual abuse. At first, the control and manipulation your partner uses can be very subtle. The abuse can and will increase over time. Answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions:
• Does your partner continually criticize what you wear, what you say, how you act and how you look?
• Does your partner humilate or make fun of you in public places and social situations?
• Does your partner often call you insulting and degrading names?
• Do you feel like you need to ask permission to go out and see your friends and family?
• Do you turn down invitations to be with your friends and family because your partner will be angry at you for going with them?
• Do you feel you need to apologize to people or make up excuses for your partner's behavior?
• Do you feel like no matter what your do, everything is always your fault?
• When you're late getting home, does your partner harass you about where your were and who you were with?
• Has your partner threatened to hurt you or the children if you leave?
• Does your partner force you to have sex whether you want to or not?
• Are you afraid to say no to sex?
• Have you been repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
• Does your partner restrict you from getting a job or going to school?
• Has your partner hit you or threatened to hit you?
• Has your partner ever pushed, shoved, kicked or slapped you?
• Do you ever explain away bruises, cuts, or other injuries as results of how "clumsy" you are?
• Do you feel nervous or afraid for your safety when your partner becomes angry?
• Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
• Are you frightened by your partner's violence towards other people or animals?
• Do you change your behavior or "walk on egg shells", depending on your partner's mood?
• Do you ever think "If only I was prettier," or "If only I cleaned the house better," or "If only I had kept the children quieter," etc, "then my partner wouldn't have been angry?"
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Reach out to the Women's Shelter Program. If you are in San Luis Obispo County, please call HOTLINE at 1-800-549-8989.
If you are not in San Luis Obispo County call your local women's shelter or call 1-800-799-SAFE for the shelter nearest you.
If you are in immediate danger, dial 911. If "911" service is not available in your area, call your local police department.
How Can I Tell If My Partner Is A Batterer? Is my partner life endangering?
Does your partner have any of these traits? If he does there is a good chance that he is a batterer. This list is to give you a guideline to the signs of a potential batterer. Batterers' personality traits are not limited to these.
Does your partner:
• Have low self esteem?
• Have lack of knowledge of assertiveness skills?
• Have few close friends?
• Become obsessively jealous?
• Have a history of failed relationships?
• Have a problem with authority figures?
• Come from an abusive family?
• Become very possessive?
• Use violence to get rid of tension?
• Control finances?
• State that he must know where you are at all times?
• Leave messages on your anwering machine obsessively if you are not home when he calls?
• Check up on you to see if you've gone where you said you were going?
• Easy to anger and has a bad temper?
How dangerous is my abusive partner?
Some batterers are life-endangering. It is possible to evaluate whether a batterer is likely to kill his partner or other family members. The following are indicators to be used in making an assessment of the batterer's potential to kill. Please pay close attention to the characteristics listed here.
• Threats of homicide or suicide: The batterer who has threatened to kill himself, his partner, the children or her relative must be considered extremely dangerous.
• Fantasies of homicide or suicide: The more the batterer has developed a fantasy about who, how, when and/or where to kill, the more dangerous he may be. The batterer who has previously acted out part of a homicide or suicide fantasy may be invested in killing as a viable solution to his problem.
• Depression: Where a batterer has been acutely depressed and sees little hope for moving beyond the depression, he may be a candidate for homicide and suicide.
• Weapons: There are batterers who possess weapons and have used them or have threatened to use them in the past in his assaults on the battered women, the children or himself, his access to those weapons increases his potential for lethal assault.
• Obsessiveness about partner or family: A man who is obsessive about his female partner, who either idolizes her and feels that he cannot live without her or believes he is entitled to her no matter what because she is his wife, is more likely to be life-endangering.
• Centrality of the battered women: If the loss of the battered woman represents or precipitates a total loss of hope for a positive future, a batterer may choose to kill.
• Rage: The most life endangering rage often erupts when a batterer believes the battered woman is leaving him.
• Drug or alcohol consumption: Consumption of drugs or alcohol when in a state of despair or fury can elevate the risk of lethality.
• Pet abuse: Those batterers who assault and mutilate pets are more likely to kill or maim family members.
• Access to the battered woman and/or family members: If he cannot find her, he cannot kill her.
If you need assistance, reach out to the Women's Shelter Program. If you are in San Luis Obispo County, please call HOTLINE at 1-800-549-8989.
If you are not in San Luis Obispo County, call your local women's shelter or call 1-800-799-SAFE for the shelter nearest you.
If you are in immediate danger, dial 911. If "911" service is not available in your area, call your local police department.
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